DIY Funerals?

http://www.sfbg.com/2013/10/29/reclaiming-death?page=0,0
http://commonhealth.wbur.org/2013/11/diy-death-natural-home-funerals
Just read the above articles and am fascinated by this idea. I can see how allowing a funeral home to care for a deceased love one could feel impersonal and unnatural but also can understand wanting professionals to do this kind of work. I am going to keep watching this trend. Have any of you experienced/witnessed/thought about this?

Getting ordained!

Yesterday was a powerful day in the life of this mommy/wife/student/chaplain. My church ordained three people and I was fortunate to be this group. Someone asked what my favorite part of the service was and I can say easily that it was when each candidate got to sit in a chair and get prayed for. I have prayed for hundreds of people in my short ministry and I can't tell you how refreshing and life-giving it is to have someone pray over ME! My husband took this picture - you can see the love in it!

I am so thankful for Kay Tuel, my chaplain buddy and friend who came from Belton to speak on my behalf. I'm also thankful for Pablo Rivas who is one of our favorite people. My son absolutely LOVES Pablo! He read my favorite verse yesterday - Romans 8:28. The service was beautiful and I am so grateful for all of my friends and family who came. I have been ministering in various capacities for a while now and didn't think ordination would change much. I think I was wrong. The PROCESS of ordination at my church was incredibly helpful. The team of people on the committee helped me discern my call and gifts plus areas I need to work on. Yesterday, my church family laid hands on me and prayed over my life and ministry. I will never be the same. Thank you Calvary Baptist for believing in this broken person. 

- Chaplin Sarah 

Chaplain Sarah's WHAT TO DO List!

We have all been there. A friend facebooks, texts, or calls to let you know her/his friend/sibling/parent etc has passed or is in critical condition. Most people say "I will pray for you" and leave it at that. Sometimes they say "call if you need anything." Both of these are nice in theory but not so helpful for someone in a crisis. Here is my short list that I have found helpful:

1) INSTEAD of saying 'call if you need anything', specifically say what you will do. Some of the things I have found very helpful for someone who has a family member on hospice are listed:

a) offer to call funeral homes and get prices

b) offer to mow the grass and clean the house

c) volunteer to get a meal train or care calendar set up for friends to bring meals

d) find someone (or be that someone) who stays at the home of the deceased during the funeral - this is the prime time for their house to be broken into. Criminals read the obituaries and know that no one will be home during a big funeral. My friend's dad offered to do this for us when my mom passed and I will never forget it. 

e) get a nice book and have everyone sign it that drops off a meal, flowers, or offers to help in any specific way (leave it at the front door with a pen attached)

2) ASK if you can put the need on our church's prayer list before doing it! Also, for goodness sake please ask WHAT they want prayer for. I can't tell you the amount of times I have sat with a family that was praying for their loved one to pass and not suffer any longer and a young pastor comes in the room and starts praying that the patient will be up and moving in no time at all. This isn't helpful. Pray for what they want. 

3) When the loved one dies, mark your calendar for 3 months, 6 months, 9 months and 1 year to remind yourself to send a note or text saying you are thinking about the family on this anniversary. ALSO, find out the important days and send notes. For example, if a family has a miscarriage, find out the due date and the date the baby passed. Send a card on the day the baby was supposed to be born (the family will be thinking about it all day) and then on the year anniversary of the baby's passing, send a card. NEVER underestimate the power of letting people know that YOU HAVE NOT forgotten their loss.  

4) GET OVER the feeling of awkwardness. People often feel uncomfortable talking about grief. I recommend asking your friend about their loved one. Most people do not want their loved one to be forgotten. Ask for funny stories or ask what they will miss the most. Don't be afraid of tears. When people cry, do NOT say 'oh don't cry!' We were designed to cry when we are hurting. Embrace the tears my friend. They are healthy. Some have asked me 'what if I start crying when my friend is talking?' - don't apologize. Your friend will never forget that you felt her/his pain, even if for a short time. 

5) EVERYONE grieves differently so take the 'should' word out of your vocab. Never say 'she SHOULD be crying at this point' or 'shouldn't she be over this by now?' Memorize the mantra that everyone grieves differently. 

Hope this helps! Go be a blessing people!
Chaplain Sarah

The West Crisis

The West Crisis has been taking up much of my time so I'm sorry for the delay in blogging. I have learned a few things about families in crisis:

• often they lose track of time and days
• previous losses (death of spouse etc) are relived
• animals provide comfort that sometimes humans just can't
• people are generally good 
• be careful not to get scammed - some people are not good

More on this soon.

Blogs you should read and the most interesting question

I got a massage today, compliments of a dear friend. The therapist asked about chaplaincy and said she wanted to know if family members can watch their loved one be cremated. WHY anyone would want to do this is beyond me but I said I would ask. I'll post the answer here when I find out!

Two resources for my chaplain buddies:
http://www.calebwilde.com/ - this guy is AWESOME - a theologian, funeral home director, adoptive daddy and 30 something guy

http://www.kateleong.com/ - This lady lost her son this week due to many illnesses and she writes about how the child life specialist told her other son about the death of his sibling. Powerful stuff but get tissues ready.

Thanks for joining me on this!

Why Chaplaincy?

Many people ask why I have chosen chaplaincy instead of becoming a pastor or working on staff at a church on non-profit. I am one of the odd people who actually loves crisis and walking with people in deep sadness. I am so thankful for the people who walked with me during my mom's final days and the weeks following her death. I will never forget my first night on call at the hospital - I had three deaths in one night and I was exhausted but wanted to make sure each family got the most loving care I could muster up in the wee hours of the night. People never forget how they are told about the passing of a loved one and they never forget the care (or lack of it) they are given in the time surrounding the event.

My friend Jill contacted me the week my mom went on hospice (my mom passed after only 3 days of hospice) and she was AMAZING. She made a list of all of the contacts from my phone so she could call my friends when I told her that my mom died. She ran errands, organized meals, picked up out of town guests from the airport etc. I called her about 15 minutes before my mom died and told her to come quickly. She arrived just in time and grabbed my phone, updated my facebook and started making calls for me. She sat with me for a long time that night. The next day she picked me up in the morning and we went to get manicure and pedicures. She took me shopping for clothes for the viewing and the funeral (I hadn't packed this because I didn't think my mom would die so quickly when I packed to head to my mom's house that week) Jill answered my cell phone all day and would give me the phone if I wanted to talk and if not, she would take messages and give people info about the funeral. She called and got an appointment for me to get my hair cut and she made sure I had food and drinks throughout the day. When you are in shock, you can forget to do the basic stuff like drink enough water and eat! The morning of the funeral, she showed up with a bag of goodies for my purse like gum, lip gloss, note pad, soft tissues for the tears I would be shedding etc. Jill thought of everything and made my week from hell less awful. I am not able to do this for all of my patients of course but I recommend that everyone have a "Jill-friend" if they know a loved one will pass. Hospice patients and families have this luxury.  Often times when you get a call at the hospital, it is a sudden passing and then I recommend a family member or friend take over the cell phone of the person closest to the patient who passed. This allows the immediate family to grieve and snuggled with their loved on without recounting the story over and over and over on the phone.

One of the big things Jill did for me was to think ahead of what I would need. I'm a smart, high functioning person but I had never experienced a loss like this. Jill was constantly one step ahead and made the days after the funeral so much smoother. My sweet husband came immediately to Arlington after my mom passed and asked what he could do. I actually just wanted him to grieve the loss with me and I was happy to have Jill do everything else. EVERYONE grieves differently. Some people may have preferred to have their husband be the "Jill-friend" but I wanted him in a different role.

I hope the above gives some helpful ways for you to bless your friends/family/loved ones when a loss occurs.

Life: SO much better with friends

So, in case you are thinking that my blog is totally beautiful and absolutely perfect (which is what I am thinking), you might wonder how this came about. WELL, my sweet friend Chelsea at http://fromchrysalistobutterfly.blogspot.com/ is currently contemplating seminaries (we are pushing for Truett around here!) and is taking some time off so I since I LOVE her blog design, I asked for some help with mine. I am incredibly thankful for the hours she spent putting much needed TLC into the Hands Wide Open blog! :) Thanks Chelsea!

I have been thinking lots this week about friendship. I am in a covenant group at school and we meet weekly during the school year to pray for each other, study bible verses, and 'do life' together. I'm very grateful to have such a precious group of ladies to bounce ideas off of and to get wisdom and insight. Joanna is one of my covenant group friends who is ten years younger than me yet inspires me frequently. This gal NEVER forgets to text/e-mail/facebook to stay in touch. She is a faithful follower of Jesus and I'm excited to see what God is going to do through her this next year as she starts chaplaincy in a different manner - residence hall chaplaincy!


I'm grateful for my current friends and looking forward to making some new ones through this blogging adventure.

Some resources I love!

I am asked frequently how to help in fetal demise situations. This can be anything from an early pregnancy miscarriage to mid-pregnancy diagnosis of the baby's incompatibility with life outside the womb to stillbirth etc. As a chaplain and a friend, I have walked with many women down this horrific journey.
I will share stories in a later post but for want to give you some of my favorite resources.

1) One of the frustrating aspects of early term pregnancy loss is that you do not get to see or touch or hold your baby. This website shows pictures of what your baby likely looked like in the womb.
 http://www.stillbirthday.com/gestational-age-of-your-baby/

2) Funerals/burials/cremations
One of the first families I worked with opted to have an open casket funeral and then bury the baby in a country cemetery where the mom grew up. The mom planned to live in that area for a long time so it made sense to bury her baby where she could go and visit the grave. Other families are more transient so choose to go with cremation because the ashes can be easily transported. One of my friend's took her baby's ashes to the beach and distributed them along the shore. Another friend turned her baby's ashes into jewelry so she would wear her baby. There are tons of creative way to celebrate the life and death of  baby. My friend Stevie did an amazing job. She took everything from Baby Aria's nursery (crib, rocking chair, decorations) and put them at the front of the funeral home.When you walked in the parlor area, there were markers and cards so guests could write notes to Aria or Stevie and put them in a box. Tons of Aria's clothes etc were delicately placed around this area. Instead of using a casket, Aria was placed in the crib for people to walk by and pay their respects at the end of the service. Before and during the service, guests took turns holding her little body. The funeral director embalmed the baby to 9 pounds and 12 ounces so she would feel like she did at birth. Stevie dressed her in a precious outfit and we used a blanket to wrap her. After the funeral, everyone went outside and held hot pink balloons in a circle. Stevie and her husband and stepdaughter stood in the middle. The pastor talked about the circle representing how much love that was there and would be there to support Stevie through this loss. Everyone then released their balloons to heaven. It was beautiful.

Other people prefer to have their babies cremated and then keep the ashes in an urn at home and skip the funeral service entirely. I personally think it is very important to have SOME kind of ceremony (even a tiny one with two or three people) to memorialize the life of your baby, not matter what age he or she was.

MORE resources will be under the 'for families' page!

Why is Chaplain Sarah starting a blog?

Greetings World! My name is Sarah and I am currently a seminary student in Texas and planning to go back into full-time chaplaincy after graduation. Before I started graduate school, I completed two units of Clinical Pastoral Education and worked as a PRN chaplain at a major hospital and then worked part-time for a hospice in a rural setting. I am so thankful for the patients, families and staff that have taught me more than I can express. This blog is dedicated to helping others find hope and relief. People ask me all the time how they can comfort someone in crisis. I will put some thoughts on this blog and pray that God uses it to help you help others. Thanks for reading and joining me on this journey.