Chaplain Sarah's WHAT TO DO List!

We have all been there. A friend facebooks, texts, or calls to let you know her/his friend/sibling/parent etc has passed or is in critical condition. Most people say "I will pray for you" and leave it at that. Sometimes they say "call if you need anything." Both of these are nice in theory but not so helpful for someone in a crisis. Here is my short list that I have found helpful:

1) INSTEAD of saying 'call if you need anything', specifically say what you will do. Some of the things I have found very helpful for someone who has a family member on hospice are listed:

a) offer to call funeral homes and get prices

b) offer to mow the grass and clean the house

c) volunteer to get a meal train or care calendar set up for friends to bring meals

d) find someone (or be that someone) who stays at the home of the deceased during the funeral - this is the prime time for their house to be broken into. Criminals read the obituaries and know that no one will be home during a big funeral. My friend's dad offered to do this for us when my mom passed and I will never forget it. 

e) get a nice book and have everyone sign it that drops off a meal, flowers, or offers to help in any specific way (leave it at the front door with a pen attached)

2) ASK if you can put the need on our church's prayer list before doing it! Also, for goodness sake please ask WHAT they want prayer for. I can't tell you the amount of times I have sat with a family that was praying for their loved one to pass and not suffer any longer and a young pastor comes in the room and starts praying that the patient will be up and moving in no time at all. This isn't helpful. Pray for what they want. 

3) When the loved one dies, mark your calendar for 3 months, 6 months, 9 months and 1 year to remind yourself to send a note or text saying you are thinking about the family on this anniversary. ALSO, find out the important days and send notes. For example, if a family has a miscarriage, find out the due date and the date the baby passed. Send a card on the day the baby was supposed to be born (the family will be thinking about it all day) and then on the year anniversary of the baby's passing, send a card. NEVER underestimate the power of letting people know that YOU HAVE NOT forgotten their loss.  

4) GET OVER the feeling of awkwardness. People often feel uncomfortable talking about grief. I recommend asking your friend about their loved one. Most people do not want their loved one to be forgotten. Ask for funny stories or ask what they will miss the most. Don't be afraid of tears. When people cry, do NOT say 'oh don't cry!' We were designed to cry when we are hurting. Embrace the tears my friend. They are healthy. Some have asked me 'what if I start crying when my friend is talking?' - don't apologize. Your friend will never forget that you felt her/his pain, even if for a short time. 

5) EVERYONE grieves differently so take the 'should' word out of your vocab. Never say 'she SHOULD be crying at this point' or 'shouldn't she be over this by now?' Memorize the mantra that everyone grieves differently. 

Hope this helps! Go be a blessing people!
Chaplain Sarah